1 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,119 (Tom singing and hammering) 2 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,151 Tom! 3 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,989 - Tom! - (Continues singing and hammering) 4 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,358 Oh, shut your face! 5 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,391 (Tom stops singing and hammering) 6 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,351 Did you call, Dame Edith? 7 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,991 (Sniffs) Coffee? Coffee! Wait a minute. I thought we agreed, only one cup a day after dinner. 8 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,158 Oh, round things to economy for once. You've earned it. 9 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,838 - Halfers? - No, it's all for you. 10 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,520 You're the one who's been slaving in the cellar for a week. 11 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:39,551 True, true. Righto. Cheers. 12 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,198 Mm. 13 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:46,514 Ahh! Beautiful. 14 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:49,958 You didn't save me any. 15 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,595 - You said it was all for me. - Well, you didn't have to believe me. 16 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,709 - Was that you being incorrigibly feminine? - Yes. 17 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,159 - I see. - How's it coming? 18 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,953 - Nearly finished. - Oh, you're a genius, you are. 19 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,560 Old Newton had his apple, Einstein had his relatively, 20 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,591 - I've got my thing in the cellar. - How is it? 21 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,278 I'm a genius. How should I know? 22 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,072 - (Doorbell) - I'm out. I'm busy. 23 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,111 Right. 24 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,270 Ahh! 25 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:16,311 - Hello, Barbara. - Hello. 26 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,469 You look terribly tired and drawn, dear. 27 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,791 Thank you. Do come in. 28 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:25,116 - Hello, Jerry. - Hi, doll face. 29 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,871 (Singing and hammering) 30 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,756 We've just been shopping, so I bought you a little something. 31 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,634 Oh! Pressies! Oh, thanks ever so much, I love pressies. 32 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,197 Oh, boy. Candles. 33 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:48,158 Well, I saw the van from the electricity board yesterday. You've been cut off, haven't you? 34 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:49,759 Yes, we've been cut off. 35 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,556 Tom driving another nail in the coffin? 36 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,956 But we won't be needing candles, not even to put round a coffin. 37 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,039 All right, we'll have them back. Add them to the four gross we've got in the car. 38 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:03,471 - Are you having your electricity cut off as well? - Hardly. 39 00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:06,956 No, I'm laying in a stock to obviate being dictated to 40 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,230 by those Neo-Marxists at the power station. 41 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,633 What did Horace say, Winnie? 42 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:14,671 Annual event. 43 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,189 Power strikes. 44 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,833 What power strikes? 45 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,554 They are imminent. Surely you saw the television news... 46 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,990 I'm sorry, Barbara. I didn't mean to rub salt into the wounds. 47 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,190 You've had to let your television go as well. 48 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,949 Yes, we swapped it for a 50-gallon effluence digester. 49 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,469 Effluence digester? Who's effluence? 50 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:35,716 Our animals'. That's why we won't need candles. 51 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,991 - But you can't make electric light out of pigs'... - Jerry! 52 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,595 Can you? 53 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,598 Tom can. He's making a generator in the cellar. 54 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,631 This I've got to see. 55 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,071 Barbara. 56 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,476 Now, you know me, dear. I never speak out of turn but... 57 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:59,878 Look, don't you think it's time Tom saw a specialist? 58 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:06,479 I mean, this whole do-it-yourself, go-it-alone business is bordering on the psychopathic. 59 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:12,559 If he's convinced he can knock up a generator by himself, it's time he had psychiatric help. 60 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:17,720 Yes, well, I had thought of giving Freud a ring, but I haven't got a telephone. 61 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,751 Well, you could always use... 62 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,311 (Whistling) 63 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,671 (Door closes) 64 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,029 Is Leonardo da Vinci at home? I heard that... 65 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,911 Gordon Bennett! 66 00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,917 - (Laughs) - Go on, go on, laugh. Go on. 67 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,634 I happen to think I've just created perpetual motion here. 68 00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,671 But nothings moving. 69 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,799 I haven't started it yet. 70 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:55,595 What do you have to do? Light the blue touch paper and retire immediately? 71 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:57,711 Stop, or I'll make you drink my home-made wine! 72 00:04:57,760 --> 00:04:59,478 All right, all right, I give in. 73 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,272 How does it work? 74 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:04,119 50 gallons of muck, right? Pigs', chickens', goats'. 75 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:07,278 - Wonderful start. - Right. All decaying away like mad. 76 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,311 - Creating...? - A pong. 77 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:12,635 Methane! 78 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:16,389 Now, the gas comes out of there at the top, along here and into this. 79 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,351 What have you got in there? Deodorant? 80 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,719 Iron filings to take out the hydrogen sulphide. Yes, I am cleverer than I look. 81 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,797 I thought you must be. 82 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,638 - What happens then? - Ah. 83 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,877 It goes along here, up there, along here, round the back here. 84 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,594 By the way down here and into a big pile of wood shavings. 85 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:35,631 Now, I'm drying my gas at this stage. 86 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,754 Now, this might look like an old diesel generator to you. 87 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,916 - Yes, it does. - That's because it is. 88 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,599 - Except that it's fuelled by methane. - Methane? 89 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,836 You're in-thane! (Chuckles) 90 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,753 No, seriously, it's very ingenious, but it will never work. 91 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,394 No, clever dick? Switch the light on, will you? 92 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,473 Ooh! The glare. Dazzling me. 93 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,670 I'lhold your head under in my effluence digester in a minute. 94 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,917 - I haven't spun my wheel yet. - So spin it. Rien ne va plus. 95 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,951 - (Chuckles) - (Mimics) 96 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,871 Now, come on, my little darling. Just for me, just this once. 97 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,671 (Wheezing whir) 98 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,031 It works! It works! 99 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,996 Well, you might say well done or give me a cigar. 100 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,031 - Yes, it's very good. - But? But? 101 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,835 If you're gonna have to stand there spinning that thing every time you want a light, 102 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,838 isn't life going to get a bit... samey? 103 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,269 - That was the overture. - This is the symphony. 104 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,112 (Clanking and whirring) 105 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,551 Just the one movement, eh? 106 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,391 Watch it, just watch it. 107 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:52,280 (Clanking and whirring) 108 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,996 - (Laughs) - Shut up, shut up. 109 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,151 (Rapid clanking and whirring) 110 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,596 - And behold, there was light. - Yes. Congratulations, Tom. 111 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:07,436 Thanks. 112 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,756 All right, all right, you've convinced me. 113 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,791 - Turn it off. - Right. 114 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,438 It does seem a lot of trouble to go to to light one light bulb. 115 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:23,479 Look, that's banging out enough electricity to light the house and run the deep freeze. 116 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,511 Good Lord. 117 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:29,394 What, you do all this on a load of pigs'... 118 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:30,839 - doodah? - Yes. 119 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:34,111 Waste not, want not. Pick it up and stoke it, that's what I say. 120 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,634 - You'll never pay another electricity bill. - No. 121 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:42,151 If I could develop an H20 tablet, the water board can go and drown itself as well. 122 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,918 - Margo and I spend a fortune on electricity. - Of course you do. 123 00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,271 You're gadget-mad. Electric toothbrushes, electric swizzle sticks. 124 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,711 If they developed an electric gas oven, you'd have one. 125 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,195 One must take the back break out of life, mustn't one? 126 00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,517 Oh, yes, brushing your teeth, stirring your drinks, striking matches. 127 00:07:58,560 --> 00:07:59,880 Exhausting, isn't it? 128 00:07:59,920 --> 00:08:03,038 I can't help it if luxury and I are mutually attractive. 129 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,912 Well, I've got no time for it these days. 130 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,679 Oughtn't you be getting rid of this deep freezer thing? 131 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:11,236 - Swap it for a crossbow? - A luxury isn't a luxury when it's essential. 132 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,352 When we do our pigs in, there'll be a year's supply of pork in there. 133 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,950 Seems a bit ungrateful when they're supplying the fuel to run the thing. 134 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,591 True, true. 135 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,836 It's a dog's life being a pig, isn't it? 136 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,351 (Wheezing whir) 137 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,511 (Clanking) 138 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,516 Do you mind if I have the door open? 139 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:41,838 I know I went to Senegal on my holidays last year, but I really can't take this heat. 140 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,269 It is getting a bit Kew Garden-ish, isn't it? 141 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:49,349 As Tom makes you economise on everything, I'm surprised he allows a fire when it's so mild. 142 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,836 Well, considering it helps to heat our bathwater and cook our meals, 143 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,996 it would be a bit silly to ask him to put it out. 144 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,111 - Ever loyal. - (Thud) 145 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:58,958 - Ooh, what's that? - Ah! 146 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,991 My bread! 147 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,720 I think I might have used too much mixture. 148 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,280 You erm... you have to make your own, do you? 149 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,833 Want to. 150 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,598 Well, you must admit, I got it to rise. 151 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,477 I think I'd better put it out to cool. 152 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,714 Hello, hello. 153 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,320 Hello, Margo. Nice bit of thigh. 154 00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,351 Barbara! 155 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,474 It works, doesn't it? Your smile's got dimples. 156 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,596 So has your little bum! Give us a cuddle. 157 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,712 - Jerry, look at the state of your trousers. - Get off! 158 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,752 This is no time for trousers. This is a time for rejoicing. 159 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,872 Fill the mead cup and drain the barrel. Wassail, wassail. 160 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,719 I'm sorry, Tom, but I cannot go into transports of delight 161 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,990 every time you accomplish some little thing. 162 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,959 Some little thing? 163 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,355 The miracle of light - some little thing? 164 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,914 Be fair, Margo, the man's just built his own generator. 165 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,396 Very well. If it will make everyone happy if I say "Congratulations, Tom," 166 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,431 then, congratulations, Tom. 167 00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:27,472 You always were the one for the spontaneous outburst. 168 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,717 Well, it does seem to require the most enormous amount of effort. 169 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,718 I mean, I'd sooner pay the electricity bills, personally. 170 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,354 I'd sooner you paid the electricity bills, personally. 171 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,598 Meaning what, Jerry? 172 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,520 When I come home from the office, our house looks like the Blackpool illuminations. 173 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,359 So you want me to stumble about in the dark, do you? 174 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,199 You might consider the price of electricity sometimes. 175 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:52,710 I'm very sorry, Jerry. Perhaps we ought to live in an almshouse. 176 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,639 You'd be a marvellous photographer - you enlarge everything. 177 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:57,034 That's not a very fair remark, 178 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:01,074 coming from someone who's forbidden me to burn a light bulb in my own house. 179 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,236 I'm just saying, you might save it sometimes. 180 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,830 When you're upstairs and you come downstairs, turn off the light upstairs. 181 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,235 - And fall down the stairs. - What? 182 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:14,434 If you want me to fall down the stairs, why don't you trip me up or loosen the stair rods 183 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:17,154 or simply throw me bodily down and have done with it? 184 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,350 - Don't tempt me. TOM: Shut up! 185 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,556 Now, look, I am the centre of attraction at the moment. 186 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,114 Unless I do my nude clog dance on the draining board. 187 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:28,071 Ah! Unless you do your nude clog dance, yes. 188 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,954 In the meantime, it's Tom Good and his magic switch. 189 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:34,795 On, off. On, off. 190 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,399 On. 191 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:37,760 Off. 192 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,360 And his lovely assistant Rita who does it left-handed. 193 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,869 On, off. On, off, On, off! 194 00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:46,675 Thank you, Rita. For my next trick I shall make Margo smile. 195 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,711 You two really are... 196 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,672 You're getting a bit above yourselves. Anybody would think you invented electricity itself. 197 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:56,314 At least you agree with me on something, Jerry. 198 00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,318 Even if you did start a silly argument in front of Tom and Barbara 199 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,192 and threaten to throw me down the stairs. 200 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:06,679 I'll come back to my original point. I would rather rely on the National Grid system. 201 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,599 Unless, of course, there are power cuts. 202 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,354 What's that, Barbara? 203 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,997 Well, this mob of Neo-Marxists down the power station are threatening cuts. 204 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,839 - Imminent, you said, Margo? - Imminent. 205 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:23,760 Likely. Possible. I mean, it's all the same word. 206 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,270 Well, I hope they change their minds. I mean, power cuts can be rotten. 207 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:29,789 Especially for people without their own generators. 208 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,912 For people without their own generators, it will be terrible. 209 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:37,431 Power cuts cause accidents sometimes. People falling downstairs in the dark. 210 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,471 Yes. Quite, quite. 211 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,194 It must be rotten not to have your own generator. 212 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,551 - You two are bloody unbearable, aren't you? - Fairly. 213 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,511 I'll be unbearable now. What's for lunch? 214 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,358 Bread and cheese. 215 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:54,190 We are having game soup, smoked salmon, and a rather drinkable bottle of hock. 216 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,629 - Are you ready, Margo? - Bravo, Jerry. 217 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,239 A point to us. 218 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:01,833 I will say this, Tom and Barbara... 219 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,077 pride has been known to come before a fall. 220 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,590 Oh, well. Don't forget your candles. 221 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,631 Thank you very much. 222 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:13,640 - (Chuckles) - Dear old Margo. I do like her. 223 00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,559 I don't know. She offers herself up to the slaughter so readily. 224 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,910 - Hey. Bread and cheese! - Right. Cheese. 225 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,951 Right. 226 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,914 Ah! (Sniffs) Good old Geraldine. 227 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,440 - Bread? - Bread. 228 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,471 Right. 229 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,154 Come along, woman, I'm starving. Food, food! 230 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,198 Ah... 231 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:48,715 Bread. 232 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:52,111 Bread? 233 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,796 What are you having? 234 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:20,753 You know, your back garden looks just as ridiculous as your front garden. 235 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,992 Hello, Jerry. 236 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:26,236 Pigs said their first word yet? 237 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,873 They put on 5Ib last week. 238 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,912 Look at the size of those beans - broad, French, dwarfs, runners. 239 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:35,193 I'm picking radishes and lettuces. The goat gave us a fright. Very poorly, she was. 240 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,880 You're becoming a self-sufficiency bore. 241 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,673 Give it a rest. Come and have a round of golf. 242 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:44,190 You're joking. How come you've got Friday off, anyway? 243 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:47,119 - Been crawling round Sir again? - Yes. 244 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,515 Or fishing. We haven't been fishing for ages. 245 00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:51,551 I haven't got time for all that. 246 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,353 You're not as much fun as you used to be, Tom. 247 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,550 Shouldn't have married me, then, should you? 248 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,069 - Those lettuces look very nice. - Want one? 249 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:02,636 Thanks. 250 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,030 Swap you for a fag. 251 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,550 This is the man who used to throw away his Luncheon Vouchers. 252 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:18,240 Ah, ta. Haven't had a drag for weeks. 253 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:21,511 There we are. 254 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,832 Cor, blimey. 255 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,554 It doesn't half make your head go round, doesn't it. 256 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,354 Ah. Typical Jerry. 257 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,515 He's got the day off and all he's doing is mooning about in his back garden. 258 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,154 He looks like a little boy who's got nobody to play with. 259 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,838 He could play with Margo. 260 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,871 Oh, no. No, no, no. 261 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,071 Never in the afternoons. 262 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,429 He only wanted me to go fishing. Fishing, ha! 263 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,071 As if I've got time to go fishing. 264 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:19,713 I think that's a very good idea. I think you should go fishing. 265 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:21,910 I can manage here on my own quite easily. 266 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,676 So, you want me out of the house. 267 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,518 You're having an affair, aren't you? 268 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,678 Come on. Who is your paramour? It's the postman, isn't it? 269 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,792 Yes, I thought so. He's been franking your neck again. 270 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,079 I couldn't help myself. 271 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,999 What woman could say no to a bit of first class mail? 272 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,071 I think you should go fishing. 273 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,519 What's the point? 274 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,552 Fish is food. Fresh food, that's the point. 275 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,480 Look, where we go isn't all your trout and salmon, and reserved casting stations. 276 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,989 It's just tench and perch and push in where you can. 277 00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:57,159 So? Tench souffl�, grilled perch with bay leaves. Fantastic. 278 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,316 That's to say nothing of pike and carp. 279 00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:02,113 Where did you learn all this? 280 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:06,040 There are hundreds of things that people don't eat any more but most of them are free, 281 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,071 including freshwater fish. 282 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,671 - Look at that. - What's this? 283 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,431 Forgotten Foods. 284 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:18,031 I can see why they call it that. There's a bit of jam on page 38. 285 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,755 It's a library book. I got it the other day when I was grazing the goat on the common. 286 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,552 You didn't take the goat in the library? 287 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,750 No, no. She hasn't got a ticket. 288 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,871 I left her in the bicycle racks. 289 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:31,434 The point is, Tom, this book could be a goldmine. 290 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,438 There are so many things people don't eat any more, but we should. 291 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,120 Cheap things, just because they're not fashionable. 292 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,356 Like pigeon. Pigeons aren't posh anymore. 293 00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,279 And hares and eels and all sorts of things. 294 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,675 I see what you mean. Tick, VG. What about this? 295 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,394 - Wall fruit. - That sounds nice. What's that? 296 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,431 Dorsetshire snails. 297 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,031 Oh, English escargots. 298 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,798 All we need is the �8,000 rail fare to Dorset. We could get them for nothing. 299 00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,950 I wonder what Surbiton snails taste like. 300 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,599 - Rabbits. - No, they're not at all like rabbits. 301 00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,000 Half a mile up the road, on the golf course. 302 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,759 I've driven off with a whole gallery of rabbits watching me. 303 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,473 - They're all dinners. - Exactly. 304 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:14,511 And they're not cheap, they're free. 305 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,916 Next time I play golf I won't take a 1-iron, I'll take a 12-bore. 306 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,032 Never mind about the rabbits, there's that river full of fish. 307 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,879 You probably haven't thought of this but I should go fishing. 308 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,638 Oh, clear off. 309 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:30,117 Urgh. Not too keen. 310 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,879 You're not supposed to be. It's for the chickens. 311 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,311 (Clucks) 312 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,789 You said just five more minutes an hour ago. 313 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,478 You can imagine what it must have felt like, can't you? 314 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,195 Standing in the water with your wooden spear, waiting, waiting. 315 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,595 It's about the one thing you haven't tried. 316 00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,472 Come on, I'm getting chilly. 317 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,511 - You mean the pub's open? - Yes. 318 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,874 All right. Get the car down, I'll pack my rods up. 319 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,877 My rods, actually. 320 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,430 - I see you've been playing the field, old man. - Blanket bombing. 321 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:21,111 As you progress in the sport, you'll want to specialise. 322 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,754 Not me, mate. Anything that swims, I'll have it. 323 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,398 May I? 324 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:28,350 Yes. 325 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,478 Yes. As I thought. Quantity, not quality. 326 00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,080 - I'll chuck them back for you, shall I, old man'? - Get off! 327 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,111 Sorry, I thought you'd finished for the day. 328 00:19:41,160 --> 00:19:44,357 - I have. - You're not taking them home, are you? 329 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,279 No, we thought we'd all go to a dance this evening. Of course I am. 330 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,438 Nope. You don't do that, old man. 331 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:54,189 It's not done. Not that size. There's nothing worth mounting there. 332 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,436 I'm not mounting them, I'm going to eat them. 333 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,153 I'm going to have to say this. 334 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:02,114 You're the sort of element we don't want creeping into the sport. 335 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:06,472 Sport? You call pulling them out, ripping a hole in their top lip and chucking them back sport? 336 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,191 Learn your ichthyology, old man. 337 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,393 They don't feel anything. 338 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,351 They don't have nerves in the upper lip. 339 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:17,473 I see. So they pop their heads out of the water and say, "Thanks for the game," do they? 340 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,193 What you're doing is no better. 341 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,676 It is. I'm doing them justice by eating them. On this occasion, I win. 342 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:25,280 If it was me having a swim and along came a shark, he'd win. 343 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:28,233 I suppose you'd smile as he gobbled you up, would you? 344 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,715 I can't guarantee that, no. 345 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,639 What are you, anyway? Some sort of anarchist? 346 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,877 No, I'm a mind-your-own-business-ist. Now, push off. 347 00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:40,038 With alacrity. But I'll say this in going. 348 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,833 I think you're a bloody unmitigated scoundrel. 349 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,154 You what? 350 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,998 Now, don't be silly. 351 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,031 I wear glasses normally. 352 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,671 - I'm in insurance. - Then you'd better get yourself a policy. 353 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,473 - Pack it in. - I've finished with people telling me what to do. 354 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:55,555 Come away. 355 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,989 I thought berks like him didn't exist any more. 356 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,077 Pack up the rods and we'll go and have a drink. 357 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,111 - All right, all right. - Tiger. 358 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,232 - Yeah, well. - He'll spoil it for everybody, riffraff like that. 359 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:07,111 Right! 360 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,555 Oh. 361 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,071 (Thumping and wheezing) 362 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:21,791 In they go. Lovely. 363 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,112 Well, worth doing, wasn't it? 364 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:28,994 There's a good few meals in there. Very nice, too, if that bream was anything to go by. 365 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:33,955 Yes. Of course, there are still some people who believe you can't eat freshwater fish. 366 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,991 - Yeah? - Yeah. 367 00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,111 - Yeah? - (Squeals) 368 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:42,672 JERRY: Anybody down there? 369 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,870 Who dat up there saying who dat down there? 370 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,911 Jerry. 371 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:48,951 Your au pair girl. 372 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,313 - Hello, Jerry. - Hello, you two. 373 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:53,953 - You don't half stink. - Smoothie. 374 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,197 - What is it? - Fish cologne. We've been gutting all morning. 375 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:59,311 The fun you have in this house. 376 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:03,149 - Thanks for coming round, Jerry. - Just tell me what you want me to do. 377 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,556 It's Saturday. I've got a lot of sleeping to get in. 378 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,671 We only want you to wait in for a bloke. 379 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,917 When he arrives, what physical excesses do I have to indulge in? 380 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:16,352 Just let him in, will you? He's an electrician. He has to certify that my circuitry is safe. 381 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,676 How much do I drop him to say that it is? 382 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,075 - Oh, ye of little faith. - Where are you two going? 383 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:22,872 They felled a big tree on the common. 384 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,799 The council say we can chop off as much wood as we like. 385 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,559 Gutting fish and chopping wood - what fun you have. 386 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,831 Where are you taking your holidays? Labour camp? 387 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,349 Of course, two blokes could chop more wood. 388 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:35,913 No. 389 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,952 No? Oh, all right, Jerry, I'll... (Coughs) 390 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,031 I'll do the best I can with what little strength I've got left. 391 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,071 That's right. Bye-bye. 392 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,952 Do you mean you can stand there and let a woman go chopping? 393 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,755 Easily. You've made your perverted bed, you lie on it. 394 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,872 I'm just going to sit here and grow my brewers' goitre. 395 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,511 What's this? 396 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,076 Is it one of these vibro-massage chairs? 397 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:12,269 It's the generator does that. Just that one spot. I don't know why. 398 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,312 If I lose my cocktail shaker, I shall know where to come. 399 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,396 Off you go, Hansel and Gretel. 400 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,158 Cheerio, then. 401 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:27,272 Of course, the trouble is, getting the logs home, isn't it, love? 402 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,757 Yes, not having a car. 403 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,235 - No car, you see. - No car. 404 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,159 - A bit dodgy without a car. - Oh, all right. 405 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,631 Here you are. 406 00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:39,793 - Thanks, Jerry. - Thanks, Jerry. 407 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,797 Off you go, my children. 408 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,831 Watch out for wolves. 409 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,991 Jerry? 410 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:01,311 Jerry! 411 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:06,878 - Jerry. - What? Eh? 412 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,116 These gloves were a present from my mother. 413 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,276 Mean old trout. They're coming apart. 414 00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:16,673 They're not coming apart. I've torn them to shreds on those stones in the rockery. 415 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,870 Stones which you should have been lifting. 416 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,797 I'm doing something for Tom and Barbara. 417 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,117 Seeing whether their sofa will bear your weight, presumably. 418 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,278 Come and have a cuddle. 419 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,311 Jerry, don't. 420 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,317 It's broad daylight. 421 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,351 We're in someone else's house. 422 00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:38,311 No, I'm sorry. 423 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,671 You're not shaking. 424 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:47,958 Why should I be? I don't find the thought of improvised love-making erotic. 425 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,071 No, no, that chair should be shaking. 426 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,120 Blimey. Their generator's packed up. 427 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,151 I'm not surprised at that. 428 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,077 Oh, well, there's obviously nothing you can do about it. 429 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,674 Why don't we go home and um... 430 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,314 we could... well, we could... 431 00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:15,838 Yes. 432 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:18,196 I'd better have a look at it, I suppose. 433 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,678 Well, that's the last time I play the tart for you, Jerry. 434 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,350 4 To think that I shall never see 435 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,391 4 A thing as lovely as a tree 436 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:35,750 I'll stick a log in your mouth if you don't shut up. 437 00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,552 JERRY: Tom, is that you? 438 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,989 - Who dat down there? - Come here, quick. 439 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,032 - Oh, bloody marvellous! - I don't know what's wrong with it. 440 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,549 - When did it stop, Jerry? - Not sure. I fell asleep. 441 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,150 - You lazy great twit. - I shouldn't have been able to fix it anyway. 442 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,318 It's not a nuclear reactor. Leave you in charge and this happens. 443 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,715 I was waiting in for some bod who never turned up. 444 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,593 It was not in my brief to play nursemaid to this contraption. 445 00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:07,756 But I explained it. It's simplicity itself. 446 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,519 Well, you make it work. You're simple. 447 00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:18,109 - That wasn't very fair, was it? - No. Because I'm an unfair person. 448 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,036 That's the trouble with do-it-yourself. It sometimes does it back. 449 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,473 - Turn her over, will you. - Who? 450 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,511 - Mrs Flywheel. - Oh, right. 451 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,632 (Strangled whir) 452 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,272 - Yes, I thought so. - What? 453 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,311 It doesn't work. 454 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:39,672 I know what it is. It's that intake valve. Teach me not to cut corners with Army surplus. 455 00:26:39,720 --> 00:26:43,429 You should have been suspicious when you saw Kitchener's picture on the box. 456 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,756 - Think you can fix it? - No. Have to get a new one. 457 00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:47,791 That won't be till Monday now. 458 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,558 Oh, dear. 459 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,591 Why? What's the matter, my dear? 460 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,031 Does the thought of two candlelit nights with me frighten you? 461 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,755 No, candlelight turns me on but it's going to make the fish go off. 462 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,991 Oh, blast. 463 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,198 We can always refreeze them. 464 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,356 - Bacillus coli. - What? 465 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,597 If we refreeze them, bacteria in the gut is a good chance. 466 00:27:08,640 --> 00:27:09,994 Oh, yeah. 467 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:12,600 - How long before they defrost? - Not long. Why? 468 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,200 Those fish gave you a hard day's labour. 469 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:19,234 You had to fight off half a dozen anglers even to get them here. 470 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,112 Yes, true, yes. 471 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,879 There must be some alternative. Come on, brain. 472 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,799 Don't let me down, just as I was getting to like you. 473 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:29,191 Bong! 474 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:31,396 Are you chiming or have you had an idea? 475 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,191 (Door chimes) 476 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:41,111 Ah. (Laughs nervously) 477 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,673 Hello, Jerry. 478 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,711 Sorry about the shout-up. 479 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,038 It's all right. 480 00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,277 - I wonder if you could do us a great favour. - What does it involve? 481 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:54,472 Could you stick these in your freezer till Monday? 482 00:27:54,520 --> 00:27:55,590 No, sorry. 483 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,837 You petty-minded little ratbag. Just because I called you a few names. 484 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,518 - It's not that. - What is it, then? 485 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,551 We're having a power cut. 486 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,789 Of course, it doesn't affect people with their own generators. 487 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:10,679 Oh, Tom. 488 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,151 Care to borrow a candle? 489 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:16,911 (Jerry chuckles) 490 00:28:16,961 --> 00:28:21,511 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0